The Secret Lives of Teens

Bethesda-area teens talk candidly about what they do when they're not at home—and sometimes when they are

By Pamela Toutant


A 16-year-old girl at a Bethesda high school talks about how she and her friends spend their free time:

Downtown Bethesda is my 'home.' My friends and I meet downtown and do crazy things. There are about 25 of us from Walter Johnson, Whitman, Bethesda-Chevy Chase and some private schools. We all meet at the UA [formerly the United Artists theater, now the Regal]. We drink and smoke pot. We smoke in the stairs of a parking lot near the Bethesda Metro and in Elm Street Park [east of Wisconsin Avenue]…

. . . The cops hassle us. We used to hang at the Exxon. We would sit on the wall and talk. Some people would smoke weed. One night there must have been 75 of us, but the cops came and told us that we're not allowed to stay there…

…My friends have sex together. Sometimes it can be kind of weird. When we do it it's just something fun to do. People 'hook up' at the UA and then have sex at the Elm Street Park…

…A lot of my friends' parents aren't involved in their lives. A lot of kids lie about where they are going to be…I think I'm a really big disappointment to my parents with what I do. I know they did this kind of stuff and worse—but not at my age.

Long before men were from Mars and women were from Venus, teenagers staked claim to an orb of their own: the dark side of the moon. Looking back on your own adolescence, you probably recall hiding there from your parents, stretching the tether and truth as far as you could. It was a time and place seemingly without gravity, where risks and consequences were ignored, if not flaunted. Now that you have teens of your own, you are nobody's fool; you know exactly what goes on. Or do you?

Is life today for our midriff-baring, cell-phone-toting teenagers just a faster version of the olden days? Or is it, as the media have presented it at times, a mosh pit of casual oral sex and binge drinking, almost unrecognizable from our experience of 20 or 30 years ago? What exactly do our teens do when they are out of our sight, and just how much hand wringing is warranted?

To learn the answers to these questions and more, Bethesda Magazine conducted in-depth interviews with 13 high school students (nine from public schools and four from private schools). The students, several of whom have since graduated, were all guaranteed anonymity. They spoke with remarkable candor about drinking, drugs and sex, and about what their parents do-and don't-know.

The students were hardly uniform in their opinions. But they provided a clear overall picture—one that many parents rarely, if ever, get to see—of what teens do and how they get away with it. Most of the teens said their parents don't have a clue about how they spend their free time. "Parents are naive about their kids drinking and smoking marijuana. They don't want to face it," says a 16-year-old Quince Orchard High School student. "And sex? They don't know what's going on, or don't want to know."

The parents of teens seem to fall into two camps: those who really don't know what's going on and those who think they do, but are struggling with what to do about it. "I think I know what's happening with my son most of the time—but then sometimes I'm surprised," says a mother of a 14-year-old Bethesda-Chevy Chase (B-CC) High School student. The mother says she recently spoke with a father of another student about not letting kids be at his house when he's not home. "I told him that the kids are drinking and smoking there. He was very surprised."

But even for those parents who do all the right things—talking to their kids, knowing where they are and checking to make sure parents are present, and setting the right example—a simple fact of life remains: Short of locking kids in the house, parents can't control where teens are or what they are doing at all times.

Here, often in their own words, is what teens say they do when their parents aren't around (and sometimes when they are):

When I went from middle school to high school, I went from 100 people in my class to 500. I became like a completely different person. I used to do really well in school. I was an honors student. I started smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking, and my grades started to drop. -16-year-old girl at a Bethesda high school

Alcohol is the drug of choice
For Bethesda-area teens, alcohol is the drug of choice. While many students smoke pot, many more drink. And they are starting younger than ever. "When I was a freshman, only about a third of the kids drank," says a B-CC senior. "There was a huge increase with last year's freshman. Instead of parties being a place where people gather to hang out and have fun, now the whole focus is drinking. Drinking is way out of control. Parents have lost control generally. Kids lie a lot. They say they are going to the movies, but they often go to parties instead to get drunk."

Beth Kane-Davidson, director of Suburban Hospital's Addiction Treatment Program, says the average age kids have their first drink has dropped; it's now 11 for boys and 13 years for girls nationwide. "This means that we have kids who are developing serious alcohol problems at 15, 16 and 17 years old. We are currently treating about 40 kids in this age group."

Capt. Thomas Didone, director of special operations for the Montgomery County Police, says underage drinking is on the rise. "Over the past few years the problem has increased primarily due to parents hosting parties where alcohol is present and not allowing officers access so that we can safely close the party," Didone says. "When we can't issue citations and call the teens' parents, they continue going to parties and remain at risk."

Karen Lockard, assistant principal at Blake High School in Silver Spring, has been with the Montgomery County schools for 24 years, including time teaching English at both B-CC and Whitman high schools. "Underage drinking is pretty much what it has always been: a problem," she says. "It is not getting better, and is possibly getting worse. Kids still don't get the dangers. And amazingly, there are still parents who provide alcohol to teens or look the other way even in this litigious age. Their attitude often seems to be 'Well at least my child isn't doing drugs.'"

The attitude of local teens about drinking can best be characterized by the comment of a 14-year-old girl at Whitman: "It isn't frowned on by many people; it's considered normal."

The results of this mentality can be serious, such as the crisis described by a 17-year-old girl at a Bethesda area high school. "A close friend of mine was recently hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. It was scary—she didn't wake up for two days." And close calls are all too common, according to a 16-year-old North Potomac girl. "There is always alcohol at parties and the drinking gets going right away. One or two people usually get really drunk. I recently went to a party where a girl passed out on the couch from drinking. It was a good thing that someone turned her on her side so that she didn't choke when she vomited."

Although the drinking age is 21, getting alcohol doesn't seem to be much of a problem for area teens: They use fake IDs, recruit older siblings, raid parents' liquor cabinets, and, as one 15-year-old boy from Georgetown Day School told us, get "street people to buy it for them."

Once they get the alcohol, teens say they drink at house parties, in parked cars, parking lots, public parks and in the basements of their homes when their parents are occupied upstairs. And what are they drinking? Beer is usually the drink of choice, according to both kids and experts, though vodka and rum are being consumed as well. In addition, advertisers are stoking adolescent girls' demand for new products. "One of the biggest dangers these days with alcohol consumption for teens is that there are new fortified malt beverages on the market like Bacardi Silver and Smirnoff Ice, which are more potent and can lead more readily to alcohol poisoning," says Dr. Kathy Woodward, adolescent medicine physician at Children's National Medical Center in Washington. "Girls have become particularly drawn to these products because some of them come in sleek-looking bottles and are advertised using women who don't always look 21."

Alcopops, known as 'girly drinks,' with their fruity flavors and fun packaging designed to look like soda or lemonade, present yet another temptation for teens.


What teens say about drinking

"There is a lot of drinking starting in ninth grade. Popular kids and athletes tend to drink more. Some kids drink every weekend, mostly at parties to the point of getting drunk. That's the whole point." 15-year-old boy - B-CC

"By 10th grade about half of the kids are drinking at least occasionally. By 12th grade most are drinking regularly." 17-year-old boy - Georgetown Preparatory School

"In ninth grade about half of students drink; in 10th grade maybe a little more. Kids do it when their parents aren't home." 16-year-old girl - Quince Orchard High School

"In ninth grade about 25 percent of the kids are drinking; by 11th, it increases to about 70 percent." 16-year-old girl - Academy of the Holy Cross

"The ninth-graders this year drink a lot more than when I was a freshman. And by 12th grade, almost everyone drinks. Popular girls and jock guys are the ones who drink the most." 17-year-old girl - Walter Johnson High School

Parents' view of teen drinking

"…It does concern me, but it is no surprise that kids are drinking a lot. Just read what's in the paper [related to underage drinking and the consequences (traffic fatalities, etc.)]. And I'm really not sure that things are that much different than when I was in school. I remember kids experimenting with alcohol beginning in eighth grade." Bethesda mother, who attended an urban high school in the Midwest during the 1960s

"Alcohol was very prevalent when I was in high school. I got drunk for the first time in eighth grade. Because the drinking age was 18, we got fake IDs and started going to bars when we were 16…There was absolutely no redeeming value to the experiences I had while drinking in high school. I made many stupid mistakes, including drinking and driving. That is not what I want for my kids." Silver Spring mother, who attended Holy Cross in the '70s

Pot-smoking, 'supersized'
It's the winter slump, and there is a teen party happening in Potomac. The parents aren't home—in fact they won't be home for a couple of days. The "babysitter" is out for the night with her boyfriend; after all, her charge is old enough to take care of himself. Kids start arriving around 8 p.m., though the host and a few of his friends have been drinking and playing pool for hours. It is mostly Churchill High School kids, but there are private school kids there as well.

A few kids are on the patio smoking strawberry "blunts," flavored cigars available at convenience stores that teens cut open and fill with marijuana. Because they're bigger than a typical joint, the pot-filled cigars create a "supersizing" effect.

According to the teens we interviewed, many kids smoke pot—or "weed" as they call it, but not as many as drink. "Smoking marijuana is not nearly as prevalent as drinking," says a 16-year-old girl from Holy Cross. "Only about 15 percent do it, even in the upper grades." Adds a 14-year-old girl from Whitman: "The same people who are drinking are the ones smoking marijuana, though alcohol is more prevalent and more accepted."

Didone, of the Montgomery County police, says that pot is found at about 70 percent of teen parties they bust.

While fewer kids smoke pot, there is still cause for concern, says Kane-Davidson of Suburban Hospital. Marijuana today is much more potent than it was when the parents of today's teens were teens themselves, she says. The result is that pot has an amplified effect on the developing adolescent brain, impairing memory, coordination, balance, reaction times—and sapping kids drive. "Kids who are using marijuana can become so unmotivated that they stop caring about how they look, about sports and grades, even about their family and friends," Kane-Davidson says.

Teens and experts say only a small number of area kids use hard drugs, such as cocaine, Ecstasy or hallucinogens. "Hard drugs really are not on the scene," says a 17-year-old B-CC student. Adds Kane-Davidson: "We don't see much in the way of hard drugs in our treatment program."


Zero tolerance in name only?
So what will it take to get fewer students to drink and smoke pot? Experts say that schools and parents need to establish and enforce strict punishments, and that they need to teach kids about the dangers of drinking and smoking.

Montgomery County public schools and many private schools have zero tolerance policies when it comes to alcohol and drugs. But many students say the policies don't change students' behaviors. "I don't think the zero tolerance policy is a deterrent," says a 15-year-old boy from B-CC. "I think there are no consequences at all for drinking." Adds a 17-year-old girl from Walter Johnson: "There have been suspensions for athletes, but I don't think the zero tolerance policy is very effective because coaches usually don't find out someone has been drinking."

Suburban Hospital's Kane-Davidson says most kids don't understand the physical and mental health consequences of drinking and smoking pot at their age. She says the traditional "Just Say No" message is not particularly effective with kids. "Kids respond more positively to information on the science of how alcohol and drugs affect the developing brain. That is where we are going with prevention efforts." Says a 15-year-old boy at Georgetown Day School: "The same old drug education images have made kids numb to the message. Kids get it that drinking and drugs do make them less inhibited, but I don't think most kids focus on consequences."

Rosalind Wiseman, best selling author of the book, Queen Bees and Wannabes, has some "tough-love" advice for parents. "If kids felt there were real consequences for their actions, they wouldn't do it. When your kids do something you don't want them to be doing, take away their privileges: their cell phone, the Internet, the car. Bench them on their sports team. Don't cave. Make your kids earn their privileges back."


The birds and the bees—then and now
School's out and about 60 private and public high school teens are celebrating on a soft summer night in a dimly lit high-rise penthouse in Bethesda. The music is pounding, and a few kids are swaying in a group to the music. More teens are crammed together on deep couches watching a big-screen TV; another group is talking out on the balcony, counting the swimming pools below. There are four parents in the kitchen. No alcohol is being served, but that doesn't mean no one is drinking—teens often sneak alcohol into supervised parties in spring-water bottles or soda cans. The host, seasoned and savvy, has locked all the bedroom doors and one of the mothers is, much to her daughter's horror, walking through the crowd every 20 minutes or so.

It is on one of these furtive expeditions that something catches her eye: In plain sight, two teenage boys are leaning against a wall and maneuvering the hips of two girls who are bent over and backed up against the boys, grinding against them. The mother is shocked. "It seems to me that the girls were simply servicing the boys. There was no heat of the moment, no real connection. I found their detachment very disturbing, not to mention that none of them seemed phased that they were doing this in front of so many people."

It is an indisputable fact that many teenagers become sexually active in high school. And just as our teens reported about alcohol use, there is a big increase in sexual activity beginning in ninth grade. But while the birds are still the birds, and the bees the bees, things are a bit different for teens today than they were for their parents.

These days few teens date, in the traditional sense of going out with one person with the hope that it will turn into a committed, romantic relationship. "People don't really use the term 'dating' anymore. It's usually called 'hanging out' together," says a 16-year-old girl at Holy Cross. "There isn't much one-on-one going out that goes on." Adds a 17-year-old girl at Walter Johnson: "Dating rarely happens. I wish that people went out on dates so that there would be something in between having to have random 'hookups' or a serious relationship."

Random hookups, where two teens casually engage in sexual activity, seem to be the norm. "Hooking up is not so much defined by what you do—it could be kissing or oral sex—the point is that you are supposed to forget about it the next day," says a 15-year-old B-CC girl. Adds a Walter Johnson senior girl: "When people hook up, the guy is usually hoping he can just have some fun without getting feelings involved—the girl often ends up getting hurt."

And hooking up is increasingly happening among younger teens. "When I was in ninth grade, not many [students] were having random hookups," says the Walter Johnson senior. "Now I would say that about 50 percent of the ninth-graders…are doing it." Adds a senior boy from B-CC: "Hooking up at parties is more prevalent than when I was in ninth grade. The new fad for…freshman girls is to go to 11th- and 12th-grade parties and make out with as many guys as possible. Alcohol definitely plays a part."

When kids hook up at parties, teens say, they usually go off into a room away from the crowd. Though not always. Sometimes girls who are looking to attract a guy's attention will, according to several of our teens, start kissing each other out in the open because, "They know guys like to see that." Public displays of "affection," such as what took place in the Bethesda high-rise, are, according to Queen Bees and Wannabes author Wiseman, increasingly common. "One trend with adolescent sexual behavior is that it is becoming more public. Guys are getting their girlfriends to give oral sex to their four friends on the football team. Or kids will do it in the car knowing the guy's friends are watching."

Although several parents we spoke with recalled that there was some casual sexual activity at parties when they were in high school, they also assumed it is more prevalent now. And it is this lack of emotional context with which teens are engaging in sexual activity, not just which body parts are touching, that has many parents and experts concerned. "In high school, kids are supposed to be making the connection between the social, emotional and sexual aspects of relationships. That is getting lost," says Deborah Roffman, author of Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parents Guide to Talking Sense About Sex. "Girls have had to adapt to the worst male stereotype of emotional detachment. It is very disturbing when girls' drive for emotional connection is presented as 'needy' rather than healthy."


What teens say about hooking up

"The phrase 'hooking up' can mean anything from kissing to intercourse. It is meant to be vague. You can just say, 'Oh, we hooked up.' You don't have to say more." 14-year-old girl - Whitman

"Most people at Field do not just casually hook up. People at my school are emotionally complex and usually aren't willing to have casual sex without an emotional connection. Girls especially want to have a relationship." 17-year-old boy - The Field School

"A 'relationship' is when a boy asks a girl out. But hooking up is more prevalent, which is not good for girls because they have more need for an emotional connection." 16-year-old girl - Holy Cross

Girls are still the sexual 'pleasers'
When teens say that their peers are having casual oral sex, what they mean is this: Girls are virtually always the ones performing it. "About 25 percent of kids are having oral sex in ninth grade, and it increases as the grades go up," says a 15-year-old boy at B-CC. "Very few girls are receiving it. The guys are dominant and often don't want to do it."

One Silver Spring mother, who attended Holy Cross in the 1970s, expresses the perplexity and concern many parents feel about this phenomenon. "Twenty years ago, women were finally gaining power. So how is it that we have raised our daughters to give sex away to boys on a silver platter? Guys were holding all the cards back then; now they are holding even more."

"Girls are trained at an early age to be nice, polite, pleasers," says Wiseman. "They learn to maintain relationships at all costs. Let's say a girl walks into a party and all the girls are looking at her like she is the enemy because she is going after a guy they like. Then she goes into a bedroom with him. He wants intercourse. To maintain the connection, she offers him oral sex."

However, that "connection" can come at a price. Woodward, of Children's National Medical Center, points out that "oral sex without a condom is a significant risk because STDs (sexually transmitted diseases)—gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes I and II—can live in the mouth and tonsillar tissue and be transmitted orally."

Most parents remember a fairly rigid double standard when they were growing up, such as the one conjured up by a mother from her days at Holy Cross in the '70s. "People started making out in ninth grade but only in relationships. It was not random or casual. Girls who made out with a lot of guys were called 'sluts.'"

But Wiseman says she believes the sexual double standard is more related to class than gender. "You can be a wealthy girl with the right house and clothes, and have a lot more sex than girls who don't. In fact, if a girl is popular, it can sometimes be value added."

Says a 15-year-old B-CC boy: "If a girl is going out with someone and has oral sex with him, she is not judged negatively, even if she changes boyfriends a couple of times and does the same thing. She would have to hook up with a lot of guys to be called a slut. It would be mostly the girls who would judge her, not the guys. How she is judged depends a lot on her status to begin with; if she is popular, she can get away with more."


What teens say about…

Oral sex

"Oral sex is pretty common among ninth-graders, and gets even more common in the older grades. It is more common with the people who do drugs and drink alcohol. It is usually girls who are performing it. Girls are still scared to ask for more. They are more vulnerable because they don't want to risk breaking up. They like the comfort of having a boyfriend." 14-year-old girl - Whitman

"I would say that in ninth grade about 20 percent are having oral sex. More are active in older grades. Girls receive oral sex far less often than they give it." 15-year-old boy - Georgetown Day

"Casual oral sex does happen a lot. It's considered safe because you can't get pregnant. Girls are not usually the recipient of oral sex because guys just want to go further, faster than girls." 16-year-old girl - Quince Orchard


Intercourse

"Intercourse is not usually casual, but happens more in relationships. Everyone knows there are more serious consequences with intercourse. Lots of girls regret losing their virginity in high school." 16-year-old girl - Quince Orchard

"There is a lot of anxiety for guys about intercourse because of the fear of pregnancy. Guys here have a lot to lose. Abortion is not a popular option. About 50 percent of the guys here end up having sex with their long-term girlfriends, but some say it is against their morals." 17-year-old boy - Georgetown Prep

"Intercourse is a bigger deal than anything else because of STDs and pregnancy. Kids at Whitman use condoms; they are very concerned with protecting themselves from bad consequences." 14-year-old girl - Whitman

"Intercourse is uncommon at GDS because of STDs and pregnancy." 15-year-old boy - Georgetown Day

"I have noticed when girls have lost their virginity to a guy that she will always have an attachment to him. One of my best friends was going out with a guy for a year and even though they broke up, she will always go back to him to have sex even if they aren't a couple." 16-year-old girl - Holy Cross

"By 11th grade, about 30 percent are having intercourse. Many girls are on birth control because pregnancy is always a scare. People don't really worry about STDs." 16-year-old girl - Holy Cross

A double standard

"Girls are still judged more harshly than boys if they are sexually active with multiple partners." 17-year-old boy - The Field School

"If a girl has oral sex with different guys close together, or is not in a relationship with the guy, she might be called a 'slut.' Guys are never judged negatively unless they hurt a girl's feelings and then he is only judged by girls." 14-year-old girl - Whitman

"If a guy has a reputation for being with a lot of girls we call him a 'man-whore' because we know he will cheat or won't commit." 16-year-old girl - Holy Cross

"If a girl has casual sex with a guy, she is often judged as being 'too easy.' But then if she won't have sex, she is judged as a 'prude.' She gets judged either way. Guys are never judged unless they have sex with an unattractive girl." 17-year-old boy - Georgetown Prep

"If a girl breaks up with her boyfriend and then has oral sex with a new guy, girls will say, 'Good, you got over him.' But guys will sometimes call her a 'slut.'" 16-year-old girl - Holy Cross

"Girls judge other girls negatively if they have sex when there is too short a time between boyfriends. Most guys don't care. If a guy is known to have sex with a lot of girls he is just called lucky." 16-year-boy - Blair


When teens are emotionally ready to have sex

"To be sexually involved, I think kids need to genuinely love each other and really be sharing in each other's lives. Neither one should be pressuring the other for sex—that would just show there isn't really love there. Some juniors and seniors have loving relationships, but with ninth- and 10th-graders, it's mainly physical." 15-year-old girl - B-CC

"It's not positive or healthy for girls to be pressured by guys to have sex. Sometimes when she doesn't give in, she is judged negatively by guys, though girls would tend to think well of her." 17-year old-girl - Walter Johnson

"It would be hard in high school not to be sexually active. If you are responsible, it is a good thing." 17-year-old boy - Georgetown Prep

"I think that ninth grade is too young to be sexually active because you aren't emotionally ready. It is too confusing. People who have been going out with each other throughout high school are more emotionally ready." 16-year-old boy - Blair

"There are some people who are having too much sex with too many people. On the other hand, there are some people who aren't sexually active who should be because it would open them up more to other people." 15-year-old boy - B-CC

Whether parents can keep their kids from having sex
"Parents have more control over whether their kids have sex because they have to have a place to do it." 15-year-old boy - Georgetown Day

"I don't think parents do much to control their kids' sexual activity because they don't know what is going on, or don't want to know." 16-year-old girl - Quince Orchard

"Most parents probably aren't in the know about sexual activity, and may just feel it is their kids' decision. Parents have moved on from trying to control it to making sure their kids are safe." 7-year-old boy - The Field School

Waning parental control—even among the 'connected'
Is there anything parents can do to stop their kids from drinking, smoking pot and having sex? Not much, say area teens. "Some parents are very strict about their kids being supervised," says a 14-year-old girl at Whitman. "But they don't really have control. If their kid wants to have sex, they will."

Decades of research have shown that connectedness between parents and their children is the most important protective factor in reducing premature and unwise risk-taking behavior. With that in mind, sexuality expert Roffman believes that, "Because parents are not setting limits or talking to their kids about sexuality, our kids are stepping into a void. Parents have been duped by popular culture and advertisers who present kids as little adults. But kids are not adults. There is no other way to put it: We are neglecting them." Adds a Bethesda mother: "How in the world could you possibly stop your kids from having sex? All you can do is have a value system you hope they will follow."

As all parents of teenagers know, there is a built-in tension between protecting children, and encouraging their independence. And by high school, according to the teens we spoke with, direct parental control of teens' activities has significantly waned. "I don't think that parents have much control over whether their kids drink or smoke marijuana," says a 16-year-old girl at Quince Orchard. "Most kids do it whether their parents want them to or not. Parents are naive about it. They don't want to face it."

"A lot of parents aren't around as much as they should be," says a 17-year-old boy at The Field School in D.C. "They probably have the attitude that there are worse things in life than drinking."

Adds the 17-year-old at Walter Johnson: "Even when the kids are close to their parents, they drink and smoke marijuana out of curiosity. I know lots of parents who know what their kids are doing, but just tell them to do it safely because they know they've lost control."

A Chevy Chase father, who attended B-CC in the 1980s, echoed what several parents said. "[K]ids are going to get exposed to alcohol and drugs in high school. Parents need to communicate about it and stay connected to their kids. I think that a lot of the teen drinking problem has to do with parents not being home."


This is your child's brain on adolescence
Have you ever wondered why teenagers have so fine a knack for drama, so much a love of risk-taking thrill? In addition to major hormonal surges, bodily changes and significant shifts in the social and emotional world of teens, the adolescent brain is going through profound changes that seem to have as much in common with geology as biology. Dr. Anne Adelman, clinical psychologist in private practice in Washington, says: "Recent research suggests that around adolescence the brain's gray matter thickens, then dramatically thins down again with maturity, making the adolescent brain wildly receptive to new information, yet still immature in the areas of impulse management and executive functioning."

What this means is that, "Because frontal lobe development and the refinement of neural pathways and connections continue throughout adolescence, the impact of alcohol and drugs is amplified, making adolescents more vulnerable to their negative effects," says Dr. Michael Houston, associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at George Washington University Medical School.

In fact, according to the American Medical Association, adolescents need only to drink half as much alcohol as an adult to suffer the same negative effects. Also, because it affects the hippocampus, the brain region responsible for memory, it can have a profound effect on an adolescent's ability to learn and perform on tests. And in case you still think drinking alcohol is just an adolescent rite of passage, consider this: 40 percent of those who begin drinking at 15 will become alcoholics, while only 10 percent of those who wait until age 21 will, according to studies at the National Institutes of Health.



Tools of Secrecy…And What Parents Can Do

Problems:

• Cell phones, the Internet, text messaging and instant messaging have taken teens' communication with their peers out of earshot and out of parents' sight.
• As a result, your child may have friends you've never heard of or seen, and may make and follow through with plans about which you know nothing.
• Teens are naturally striving towards independence and chafe at rules. As many of our teens pointed out: Teens lie a lot.

Solutions:

• When you drop your teen off at a new friend's house, meet both the friend and parents.
• Make your home a place where your teens' friends are welcome.
• Before your child attends a party, call the parents to confirm it will be supervised and alcohol/drug free.
• To confirm your child has arrived where they say they are going and their time of departure, require that they call you from the land-line phone.
• Be wary of last-minute sleepover plans, convoluted logistics or suddenly "dead" cell phones.
• Know your child's closest friends' cell phone numbers.
• So that your teen can "save face" if they become uncomfortable with their peers' plans or the activities at a party, agree on a code word or phrase they can use when they call you, such as "I have a toothache," that signals you need to go and get them.

Signs and Symptoms of Alcohol and Drug Use

Behavioral Changes:

• Slipping grades
• Change in motivation to perform o Lack of interest in appearance
• Withdrawal, isolation, fatigue, depression, anxiety
• Lying
• Lack of cooperation/defiance
• Increased friction with family
• Makes up own rules
• Difficult to talk to/restless
• Increased need for money
• Lack of activities previously enjoyed
• Gets home late/avoids interaction

Peer Relations:

• Change in friends/ avoids old friends
• Vague about whereabouts
• Phone calls from new friends
• Sudden status with peers

Physical Changes:

• Bloodshot eyes/dilated pupils
• Weight loss or gain
• Runny nose/eyes, frequent colds, fevers
• Spurts of snack food hunger/"the munchies"
• Forgetful/dazed look
• Sleeping more/less than usual
• Frequent diarrhea, sweats, muscle aches, bruises

Physical Evidence:

• Sudden concern for privacy of things
• Mouthwash/gum/burning incense
• Lighters/rolling papers/pipes/flavored cigar "blunts"
• Unfamiliar smell on clothing o Disappearance of alcohol from home
• Eye drops (Visine or Murine)
• "Stash cans" disguised as soda cans

(For more information on the symptoms of drug and alcohol use, go to www.communityofconcern.org.)


Midwestern Teens Don't 'Hook Up,' They Date
Are Bethesda area teens faster than their counterparts in other, less affluent parts of the country? To find out, we interviewed teenagers in four Midwestern states: Michigan, Minnesota, Iowa and Oklahoma. We learned that these teens drink nearly as much and as early as teens in our area, but they smoke pot less and those who do start later. In fact, a 15-year-old girl at Wahlert (Catholic) High School in Dubuque, Iowa, said, "I don't know anyone who smokes marijuana."

But it is their views on sex and their degree of sexual activity that differ the most. Our first clue came when one of the Midwestern teens said that the term "hooking up" is not used at her school; the other Midwestern teens said it meant "getting together" or "beginning to date." These Midwestern teens said dating is prevalent, casual sex uncommon and oral sex something that mostly takes place between steady partners. "There is a lot of dating at my school," says a 15-year-old girl at Clarkston (Mich.) Public High School, outside of Detroit. 'Hooking up' means meeting someone to do something; it doesn't mean sex."

Says a 16-year-boy from Edina (Minn.) Public High School (near Minneapolis): "I've been told by my parents to wait until college to have sex, until I know I really want to be with someone for a long time. Too many things can go wrong."

Experts say it's not surprising that these Midwestern teens report a "slower" lifestyle. "I do think that things are moving faster around Bethesda. But that is because things move faster in any community where wealth is prevalent," says Rosalind Wiseman, who attended a private high school in Washington, where she currently makes her home, and whose book Queen Bees and Wannabes was made into the movie "Mean Girls." "The wealthier it is, the worse it is: more drinking, drugging and early sexual activity. Kids in affluent communities present well to adults, they feel entitled and have real social power."

But when living in a community where many teens are moving faster than many parents are comfortable with, and in ways that many experts would characterize as unhealthy, it is also important to remember that adolescence is not a disease. As Wiseman puts it, "Pathologizing adolescence annoys girls in particular because they are often only portrayed as performing oral sex, having eating disorders and obsessing about clothes. They are more than that. The fact is that there are a lot of kids who are not drinking and having casual sex."

Pamela Toutant's work has also appeared in Salon, Redbook, Ms. Magazine, the Washington Post and Washingtonian, as well as other publications. She is a writing instructor at the Writer's Center in Bethesda.